Rufus Smith

22nd April 2008 - 8th February 2009

Two years without Rufus, by Kelsa Smith

9th February 2011 will be two years since Rufus left us. I don't know what I expected really, except that the second anniversary would be easier than the first. Time has taught me that the anticipation of the dark day in our family calendar is worse than the day itself, and I guess I'm in full flow of feeling it right now.

I can now look back over the last two years with some perspective and see how far we have come as a little unit of three with that shadowy fourth member who's not there any more, but who is always part of our identity. But for me it's not easier this time though, it still hurts hugely and I have been surprised at how easily I've been transported by memory back to the small hours of the 9th Feb 2009, Ben and I holding our baby for the last time as he grew cold. The feelings are as powerful now as they were then.

That said, grief has gradually changed for me - it's always going to be there, under the surface, and it doesn't take much for it to break through, but I suppose it's become akin to walking around with a briefcase handcuffed to my wrist. I carry it everywhere I go, and occasionally I open it up and let out what's inside. But life has reassuringly caught us up and carried us along, and over the last two years we've learned the value of true love from true friends and we've experienced some truly joyous times. I am grateful and proud that this continues to be Rufus' legacy. I am grateful too for everyone who still gives me a hug on the tough days and lets me talk about Rufus. I refuse to allow him to be forgotten or unacknowledged, he was and he always will be our beautiful son and Feli's much-loved brother.

Marking your dark day my love, but not celebrating it,

Mummy, Daddy & Felix

xxx

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